Early Morning Reality

I am up at 5:30 right now, which is incredible unusual for me. I love my sleep and don't have too many issues with getting it once I fall asleep.  

I really want to blame it on my sickness. Ever since we got back from Michigan I haven't felt up to par. Avery was very sick for a few days and I think she might have shared her germies with me. I just can't seem to recover from it and it is pretty annoying! I was hoping that my healthy eating habits prior to getting pregnant would help me breeze through this pregnancy.

That is what it boils down to though. I am not sleeping because I am sick, lets face it at the beginning of the week I felt much worse and was still able to sleep. This insanely nagging cough isn't keeping me up, what is though, is the nagging feeling that I am failing.

Yep...Failing.

Now before you go thinking I am being too hard on myself, I am not afraid of the word fail, really by definition failing is just a, usually slight or insignificant defect in character, conduct, or ability (according to the Merriam Dictionary). So at the moment I am just having a little defect in what seems to be my many areas of my life.

Unfortunately the reason I am up is because that list is growing and growing on me and today its reality is hitting me!

I can't seem to keep my house in order at all anymore. (This is really all I want for Christmas, I perfectly in order house, including the garage which is losing its cleanliness fast!!) I might be able to tie this into becoming a totally lazy bum the past few months!

Food, my whole food philosophy and convictions have marched out the door. I haven't been able to control my urges to eat things and sadly I don't think being pregnant is an valid excuse for me, personally. (Hence why no food post, I am embarrassed to even share what I eat anymore!)

I am easily annoyed. Instead of wanting to do much I just choose to stay away from things because I get very easily annoyed right now. As much as I know my husband loves me I think he is just as annoyed with my bad attitude.

I feel fat! Okay I can blame some of this on the pregnancy. I mean how can you not feel fat when you have a baby growing in your stomach. I also feel fat from the foods I am putting in my body. While I am still under the weight I was even before getting pregnant with Ashlyn, I am very worried that when the rest of this pregnancy is done (which I still have a trimester to go!), I will be right back at that same weight.  Is that an issue, yes because that weight would put me in a category I don't want to go back into. I liked being in a normal healthy weight range and I am not sure how having two kids and the thinking about what if Ashlyn was here will affect me when and if we have a healthy delivery this time around. Health has become a very important part of my life and for some reason I am letting being pregnant be an excuse to ignore my feelings about it.

The last one is the tough one, I am still bitter about being pregnant. Everyday I wake up I remember how much I hate being pregnant. Please understand as I say this I totally understand that some women are not able to have babies and my heart hurts for them. Losing a child is the hardest thing I have ever gone through, I can't even begin to imagine the pain of trying over and over again. I know that those hearts hurt too and I am not ungrateful that I am pregnant and have had a successful pregnant.  I just trying to be honest that I am not fan of the process and even before Ashlyn died I wasn't.  After Ashlyn died I became more bitter and feel like each day I am pregnant, (while I am excited and hopefully this sweet girl will be here with us in a few months), I feel like its a constant reminder of what happened last year and a constant reminder that life stinks sometimes.  Maybe the reminder is what I have to go through to get past my grief and so far since losing Ashlyn the hardest time was not last year when it happened, its going through this all over again. Each day my grief for her is relived through the whole process. I hope that in the end I can look back and say, I understand now, but at the moment, I am just trying to endure.

Okay....done! I think I am over with my failing list! Talk about a pity party! 

So after not being able to sleep and not wanting to wake my sleeping family, the next best thing to do was to blog/pray/write about it. My idea of this blog is the real me, just expressing how I feel and sharing the good and bad. This might seem like a bad part but I am hoping this morning reality is actually me waking up and hopefully changing for the good.

So my first plan of the day, try to go back to sleep, just to wake up in just a few hours for hopefully a productive day!

Can you really be productive when the temperate outside is at 4 degrees though....okay thats an excuse my house is perfectly cozy inside and the laundry doesnt care what the weather outside is!

Now really, I think my bed is calling me! Thanks for letting me vent!

Comments

[Liz Wood]

I can't imagine what you are going through. I hated pregnancy too, not for all your reasons, I think you have every right to think that way! I hated it, because of how inconvenient it made everything, sleep, peeing, doing dishes at the sink...everything!

[Jayle]

I just want to sympathize with you about the pregnancy woes. I am so bad at being pregnant (sick for 6-7+months!) While I also feel grateful I'm able to get pregnant/maintain a healthy pregnancy...I was so physically miserable the whole time - all three times - it was hard to stay positive. My pregnancy following the stillbirth of my son was exactly the same - they even had the same due date - I felt equally divided between cautious anticipation and terror/resentment every day. I was angry that my three pregnancies weren't going to result in my three boys being with me. So I just hope you aren't too hard on yourself about feeling the way you do. Grief is such hard work...it's non-linear and complicated...two steps forward, one step back.

I didn't accept that the subsequent pregnancy could really be different (ie end with a live baby) until I heard that little boy actually cry...it was the first event in the process that finally diverged from the other experience. I was shocked to realize I had spent most of the pregnancy just waiting for the worst to happen again. Surreal.

Venting is good. Glad you have a place to do it here. :)
Sending warm wishes for lots of rest and peace in the next few months.