Nitty Gritty Details
Thursday, September 10, 2009 at 2:26PM Courtney Okay I have been gone well over a week, which goes totally against my commitment to blog more. I have a reason for why I have been gone and pretty much am able to get down to the nitty gritty of it. A few months ago our family found out we were embarking on a new challenge, one that still is very hard for me to embrace. The challenge and blessing is that we are 13 weeks pregnant.
If you don't know the whole story you can get a little bit of information here and here, but the quickest story is, we lost our daughter Ashlyn Rose 9 months ago at birth. The doctors have no definite answer to why and what happened but we are treating it as a blood clot due to finding out I have two genetic mutations.
Wwalked onith all that happened in December our family was able to remain strong and got up from the ashes and . Brian and I both healed in different ways but we knew for Avery and for our future that we needed to have strength to get through the days. I remember when we left the hospital we both wanted to try as soon as possible to have another child, we went 9 months longing for our daughter and in one day went home without her. It was heartbreaking and the hardest day of my life. I can still close my eyes today and remember everything that happened in vivid detail. As each time frame of when I wanted to get pregnant passed I realized that I just wasn't ready. Physically I was down from about 155 pounds to 120, we were eating healthier than we ever had before and we were enjoying the extra time we got to spend with Avery on a one on one basis. The problem was that I just wasnt emotionally able to want to go through it again and I wanted to be in the best shape possible before having another pregnancy within a year of Ashlyns.
In July I learned, that my being ready has nothing to do with getting pregnant because a test told me other wise. This is where the challenges began, the nitty gritty of the whole story. At first I was upset, I wasn't ready. I can't really say that I would ever be ready but 13 weeks in, I am a wreak. Memories of my last pregnancy ring through my head daily. Images I never saw of her death are things I think about all day long. The imagines we as parents should never have to think about. It is very hard on top of just your normal everyday pregnancy hormones.
On top of the above pre baby blues I am flooded with daily, I am also sick all the time. Not morning sickness, but allergies and ear infections have been plaguing my daily living. If it wasnt for Avery I would be in bed 24/7 with the occasonally walk to keep any blood from clotting. I have been on bedrest for a few days and now am on pelvic rest. So far has been an uphill battle, that I wake up and try to bare through each day.
The Blessing of it, we are pregnant. We are trying to get excited at the thought of having a little one here with us. Its hard to get excited but its lovely knowing Ashlyn is in heaven above without all the pain the world has to bring. That is a blessing. We have wonderful doctors watching over me all the time and great family to help out. We are praying that we are all healthy and in March are able to bring home our sweet child. I am sure that will be a bittersweet day in this house and we pray that we can get through it.
I am going to try to blog openly and honestly about what is going on and hopefully will be able to keep up with the bloggers at the same time! My cooking has been at a stand still but I have plenty of other ideas to blog about, I just can guarantee the days I feel like sitting in front of a computer but I will sure try.
(The pictures are from the Angel of Hope Memorial Brickway in St Charles Missouri, for all childern who have died from Early Pregnancy Deaths, Stillbirths and Neonatal Deaths. My family purchased this beautiful brick for us!)
Reader Comments (9)
I am sorry to hear about your loss. We lost a baby girl to still birth about 5 years ago in a similar way... blod clots, 2 genetic defects with my blood. We got pregnant again about 9 mons later and it was so hard. i was excited to be given another chance but couldn't enjoy because of all the fear of what could happen again. i was open and honest with my doctor about these fears and he held my hand through the whole process... saw me twice a month, called me from home, gave me a ton of ultrasounds to see that everything was okay. 2 years ago I had another pregnancy and the same fears. It was easier to cope it was always on my mind. I feel your pain. Everyone says it gets easier, and it does, but it is okay to feel the way you do. I will keep you and your baby in my prayers.
By the way, where is the Angel of Hope Memorial? I live in the area but am unfamiliar with it.
Blessings,
Casey
Hi. I have never read your blog before tonight and I ONLY read the first entry. So, I have no idea about your food, but I know alot about your heat.
My heart goes out to you.
I have never had a child of my own but I can only imagine the happiness and sadness you are going through at the same time.
Thank you for your honesty. I keep you in my foodie & family prayers.
I hardly know you as well, but your blog post was so compelling I felt I had to leave a note. A note in which I do not quite know the words to say. My heart goes out to you and my prayers and thoughts will be with you as you journey these next months of pregnancy and the arrival of your new bundle of joy.
Prayers and peace to you,
Virginia
What a bittersweet blessing this pregnancy must be. Congratulations on your new little one, and I will pray for strength for your family -- that you can all get through these next months with peace in your heart. It probably feels like a very scary adventure you're embarking upon, but I sort of feel like I know you and I know your faith and how strong you are, and I think you will be better than fine. And I hope you start feeling better! Colds and ear infections are NO FUN, especially during pregnancy.
You and your family will be in my prayers. My heart goes out to anyone who has lost a child, I don't think many things are harder. Thank you for sharing.
Congrats & God bless.
Hi there - a new foodie friend of yours from many posts ago...more important than that, a fellow mom to an angel. (And we have one of those statues in San Antonio, too! We attend a memorial there each year in December - such a beautiful place.) Anyway, I just wanted to say that I feel for you...subsequent pregnancy is so, so hard. Even when it is healthy. We run a support group specifically for pregnancies following a loss just because they are so unique and terrifying and bizarre...and wonderful and hopeful and joyous...
I'll be thinking of you...sending the best your way. Hang in there.
Hi Courtney--Blogging has really become a thing of the past for me but I still poke around a few of the blogs I used to read. I came across this post today and am very happy to hear you are pregnant. I still think about what you must have gone through and your new pregnancy will be in my thoughts and prayers. We had a lot of random things in common and I truly wish you the best with this pregnancy. The memorial is beautiful.
Hi, Courtney.
I found my way over via Kate's craft party, and just wanted to say hi. Our stories are somewhat similar. We, too, lost our second child (our second son) due to a blood clot that traveled to my placenta due to a couple gene mutations. That was in May 2009. Our third child, our daughter Erin, was born this past May, just a few weeks before Duncan's birthday.
Anyway.... I just wanted to say hi, and to let you know I'll be thinking of you this holiday season, with a new little one with presents under the tree....and one, forever missing from the festivities, but always in your heart. Blessings.
Monica