34 Weeks!
Thursday, February 11, 2010 at 5:00AM Courtney A few things over the past week have really made me think about this pregnancy alot. I can stop thinking about how this pregnancy has really been a full two year process and how I am just excited to finish it up. In a 24 month period I have been pregnant 18 months and while some might choose this in life, I did not. I would have been done for a long time 14 months ago, but as I learned, life is something you can plan for, life just ensues and you take the ride, knowing and trusting it wil be okay. I am trusting that this time we will bring our sweet girl home and I can now give my body and family a break from the emotions of being pregnant.
Several things still weigh on my mind no matter how much I try to give them up. I worry that pregnancy isnt a sure thing of bring home a baby at the end of 40 weeks, we might have struggles after the baby comes with our grief for Ashlyn and have I forgotten what its like having a newborn at home after 3 years to the day of her delivery of having my last newborn?
One night I woke up at 2:30 in the morning and wasn't feeling much movement. Many would probably just think, oh the baby is sleeping and move on. I dwell on movement, it consumes me now and I always go back and think what if I paid more attention to Ashlyn would I have noticed. (its easy to say don't dwell on the past except when you are going through the situation again). I am not sure if I ever posted this but Ashlyn had passed away a few days before we actually delivered her I remember feeling her last kick all the time. It was a strong kick one I felt on my back bone and I wonder if that was her actual last kick. I will always wonder and no one can tell me to let it go, I will not! Its my way of remembering. Anyway back to the present... I lay in bed asking her to kick just so I could close my eyes and go back to sleep. Nothing happened, apparently she doesn't listen to me either! I didn't bother to stand up or try to get her to move cause this time I knew everything was okay, last time I knew Ashlyn had passed already. I guess that is mothers intuition mine was just a few days behind last time! I felt okay this time, I knew that she just was for the first time not moving around much in my tummy. I said her name, or at least one of her names on the list and said please just move for mommy, I need that comfort. She moved, I went back to sleep and each morning think of that night. Will this happen more often. Will I be nervous these last 6 weeks (I am being induced at 38 weeks so they can monitor my delivery for blood clotting, unless something shows up sooner this is our goal delivery time). I don't think this feeling will go away but I know that its just something I get to endure and will keep me more in touch with this little one.
The second thing I have noticed this pregnacy is that I am a little sentistive to people complaining about pregnancy and childern. I am a feeling better and enjoying my last trimester cause I banished those bad things most people think about. I know it is totally normal and I have done it in the past but to hear it all the time everyday drives me nuts. I know the whole 9 months can really suck but geez I am doing it again after losing my last 37 week in, it can always be much worse! All I want to scream is "Enjoy the time you have"!! I learned how at the end you do not always get the result you are expecting, that all those days you spent complaining only remind you how much you didn't appreciate the time you where given with your child. I got to spend 37 weeks with Ashlyn and hold her in my arms for one day, I now wish I cherished the 37 weeks with her a little more and enjoyed the misery I call pregnancy!
So with 4 weeks till delivery I am trying to look at the brighter side, stop letting these two things get to me and just enjoy what I can! I just know this outcome is going to be different than the last and am excited to get everything around the house finished up athis week so I can take a month to just relax and enjoy the last weeks of pregnancy!
Reader Comments (3)
You are an inspiration. I think you're 100 percent right on -- and I hope you are able to relax a bit before the new baby comes.
Well said. When I am pregnant I feel like I am a walking miracle, I LOVE being pregnant. Enjoy your moment Courtney, you've deserved it.
I can't imagine going through what you have gone through and then getting pregnant again so soon. You're amazing. I can identify with how you feel about women complaining about their pregnancies though. For years (like 6) I wanted a baby so badly and hearing other women complain every day about being pregnant was so frustrating. When I finally was able to get pregnant with E even though it was possibly the hardest one I did my best not to complain - well my husband probably heard me complain, but ya know. ;) Congrats and enjoy these last couple weeks.