the pit...the feeling I hate the most
Thursday, August 19, 2010 at 11:20PM Courtney I am not going to lie...I can be annoyed easily. Today was a great day but a few things annoyed me and left me in a funk. I know part of the problem is me, so I am trying to work on it but I also am trying to distance myself from the things that constantly cause me to be annoyed. Of course since I was already in a crappy mood, mr migraine decided to appear which only made matter worse. Dinner was not made..laundry was sitting in the dryer getting wrinkly, the mess of the day wasn't clean before B came home and the girls were not amused that I was unable to entertain them. It was a day where I wanted to go in my room and fall asleep till tomorrow.
With the help of B making a grocery run, I had medicine in me, dinner was served and the girls were entertained. I decided to do little reading knowing sleep was not an option until Eisley was sound asleep. Just when I was over my headache and things were looking good, I got that feeling in my body that I hate to get. The migraine would be much more pleasing than this feeling. The feeling I never knew until the day Ashlyn passed away. The feeling that while everything seems to be going right....it could all change in a minute. Its a sinking feeling that is too hard to describe to anyone who hasn't been taken down into that deep pit. I read about two mothers today who lost children unexpectedly while sleeping, my heart sank for them, and all thoughts of Ashlyn ran back into my mind. I havent looked at any pictures of Ashlyn in a while, I am spending so much time adjusting to Eisley, enjoying Eisley that I havent looked.
When Eisley was first born I remember feeling like I didn't want to leave the house. I just wanted to sit in my room watching my perfect little angel and trying to protect her as much as I could. The pit stayed with me for several weeks, I worried about something happening, transitioning her into her crib I dreaded waking up not hearing her make a sound, I touched her hands when she slept to quietly in the car seat, I was just a little paranoid that something could happen. As time passed, the pit got a little bit better. She got bigger, she woke up each morning and life was so busy that my mind only randomly thought about it.
When Ashlyn passed away, I oddly comforted myself with the fact that I was the person bearing the pit of losing a child. If it was going to happen to someone, I wanted the pain and not my friends. When I listen to people make comments, that to me, seem ungrateful and unappreciative of having the children they do have, I realize its because the don't know what the pit is like. Most of the them do not mean what they are saying and don't realize how hurtful those comments are to me. Most of all I realized that even I forgot about the things I do have today. While Ashlyn is gone and I miss her with every ounce of my body, I am grateful of all the other things I have. Today I got to wake up with two little girls happy to see me. I am grateful.
Today I prayed for the mothers and prayed that they don't hold resentment and they don't blame themselves for things they did not do. Most of all I prayed that the pit is just a feeling that comes and goes and they realize its okay to feel that way. In the end I hate when I get the pit...but its okay..its seems to be part of the process to get through.
Reader Comments (4)
That pit is ugly and painful... and a heavy, life-long cross to carry. Prayers for you as you navigate through the difficult times... and for peace & joy as well... so you can enjoy the precious moments in the here and now. We will see our babies again... and the tears will be wiped from our eyes.
I can't even imagine what it must be like to walk in your shoes. Reading something like this puts it all in perspective. Your last paragraph brought tears to my eyes. It's so inspiring. YOU'RE so inspiring.
Thanks for being so open and transparent. I don't know what you're going through, but you are surely a blessing to those around you. My prayers go out for you!
Oh, honey. I think of you and Ashlyn (and several close friends who've experienced similar losses) whenever I start to feel like I want to either walk away or give my children away to someone else. It reminds me to look at the big picture and find joy in the smallest moments. Thank you for that.